Valley of Ashes

“This is a valley of ashes—a fantastic farm where ashes grow like wheat into ridges and hills and grotesque gardens; where ashes take the forms of houses and chimneys and rising smoke and, finally, with a transcendent effort, of men who move dimly and already crumbling through the powdery air.”

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald (The Great Gatsby)

Well, if you are looking for a positive uplifting inspiration….this isn’t going to be it. Today was not that day. The sad thing is I cannot pinpoint it on anything in particular. There was nothing extraordinary, nothing horrible…just nothing. I wanted the day to be good, but somehow the darkness took over today. I just can’t figure out how it happens.

I know that there are people who care about me and my well-being, but for some reason my mind can only concentrate on those who could careless. So in finding this quote, I couldn’t help but relate to it so perfectly. Today I am in the valley of ashes. The air that surrounds me is not clear enough to see anything around me. I cannot look for anyone that may or may not be around, and I definitely cannot see if anyone is looking for me.

I was told to be prepared for days like today, but no idea how to “snap” back to where I am supposed to be. It makes me more sad to know that I frustrate the people who really do love me, that I don’t allow them to comfort me in these times. I know that I made decisions I felt that were required for me to move forward, but that does not mean that my heart stops beating for the people I had to let go. What’s stopping my heart from beating is that they don’t miss me, they aren’t fighting for me, I have been let go too.

Maybe this valley of ashes is more of a reality than I thought. Some days are just clearer than others, and on days like today, the ash can take form into anything that will cause me to crumble through the powdery air.

3/2122010

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