Acceptance

“The unknown is what it is.  And to be frightened of it is what sends everybody scurrying around chasing dreams, illusions, wars, peace, love, hate, all that.  Unknown is what it is.  Accept that it’s unknown, and it’s plain sailing.”

~ John Lennon

I really wish it were that easy.  There must be something detached in my brain that will not allow me to just accept it.  And I don’t care what name the doctor’s give it, whether it’s the OCD, the anxiety, the depression….it doesn’t matter….it drives me crazy!  Not knowing!  For some reason my brain HAS to know.  It (my brain) wants to know the why’s, the where’s, the who’s…all of it.  And there will be no rest until that happens!

I hate that not knowing what other’s think drives me insane.  I hate that I automatically think that I am not good enough just because no one has shared their thoughts with me.  I hate that I instantly feel guilty for situations I have no control of.  Now I am known for the saying…it is what it is….but the unknown is incomprehensible to me.  Because knowing is what makes me…me.

Knowing allows me to understand, to be more in control of this tiny place of the world that I belong in.  Knowing allows me to accept the goodness from others.  Knowing gives me peace.  It gives me a tiny sliver of sanity.

I am the scurrier.  I am the chaser of the dreams, illusions, wars, peace, love and hate.  I am all that….all because of the unknown.  That is what it is.  That is my acceptance, to know that I will never be any different.  And maybe my refusal to accept the unknown is why there will never be plain sailing for me.  It is a battle I will never win, but I refuse to quit the fight!

4/12/2010

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