Cracks

“Let’s honor our mistakes by allowing them to teach us. Let’s consider our failings to be gifts, and share them humbly with others. Let the cracks in our perfect facades let in light and air so that new life can grow through them.”

~ Molly Gordon

I am not sure that there was a morning that I woke up and realized the inevitable, I think I always knew. I always knew that as much as I wanted it, there would be no one to pick up all the pieces of me and magically put them back together. I sometimes wonder if they were ever together to begin with.

What can start as the slightest break, the tiniest of cracks, blossoms into this magnificent twisted mess. I let this happen, I trusted the wrong people, I believed in the wrong things, I opened the door to the very things that broke me. The hardest part is not letting go of the anger I have for them, but for the anger I have at myself.

I did wake up one morning, however, and realize that the only person that can make me right again, is me. As much as others claim to love me, as much as I want someone to sweep me up and make me whole again, no one can fix this but me. I may never be back to one piece, I may never be undamaged, but I can let myself heal. I can try to become someone who I can stand to see in the mirror before me.

The past lays the foundation of the future. I may not have the ability to go back and change the choices that others made that affect me, but I do have the power now to make my own choices, right or wrong. I will be more careful in opening the door, letting in only a selected few. Because I know they cannot fix me, so I must be certain that they cannot break me again.

10/6/2011

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