“As I was sitting in my chair,
I knew the bottom wasn’t there,
Nor legs nor back, but I just sat,
Ignoring little things like that.”

~ Hughes Mearns

I’m not exactly sure when or where the disconnect actually happened, but I am certain that it has. My mind has become my worst enemy, telling me the things that make me weaker. Reality has shifted and I have started to believe it’s lies. I have reverted back to my old ways, the walls have been rebuilt, protecting myself from those on the other side.

I need a revolutionary turn to find myself again, because even though you are searching for me, I am not who you once knew. I wanted things to be different, to be better than what history had taught us. I deserve the answers, I deserve the why’s, I deserve the understanding for what life has served. But these are things I don’t allow myself to believe, because I see those around me who don’t believe them either.

Day-to-day, that’s what we do. The depth has dwindled to surface scars that will never heal. My reality is the chair that really isn’t there, but yet I sit, and live my life for the contentment of the one’s I love. That is what defines me, that is what will carry me through. If only…

7/25/2011