“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken – and I’d rather remember it as it was at it’s best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.”

~ Margaret Mitchell

Survival is an amazing instinct.  Emotionally or physically, it kicks in without you ever seeing it coming.  It takes over so that when you have reached a moment when you are unable…it enables for you.  But it does not do this without making its mark.  In its shadow of saving you, it has built a barrier.  A wall so unbreakable, that you become untouchable.

You would think that this process would be a very slow and tedious one, but in all reality, it takes no time at all.  I have felt this happen in a matter of days.  Or have I?  Maybe this is something that began long ago and I am just now feeling its effect.  I have always wondered how I continue to find myself isolated from people who should be “unisolatable”.  And yes, I think I just made that word up, but there is no other description.  It is exactly that.  Relationships gifted to you throughout life, no longer as they were intended to be.

Now protected, living behind walls that I no longer wish to see the other side of.  The comfort of the inside, is so much stronger than the hope of what could be by letting someone in from the outside.  I know that I did not start out alone inside my walls.  There was a time it was filled with souls that connected with mine, yet somehow, it is now only me.  It does not matter who is to blame, there is no point really.  I only know that I did not get to this point by myself, so I do not feel obligated to reverse this on my own.

Survival has a way of clouding your vision.  Making you believe that if someone loves you enough, they will climb these walls of unreachable heights just to jump in and save you.  I am not ready.  I don’t think these walls are impossible to climb from the inside.  So I shall wait.  I am not sure what I am waiting for.  But at least I have the comfort of knowing that if there is no one here inside with me, I will never feel the pain of them leaving me yet again.

from 2010

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