The truth is…

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© Copyright 2018 Kristie Bueno Photography, All Rights Reserved

“It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt,
It lies behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes it fills,
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.”

~ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

As I sit here unable to rest, the flu has taken over and I truly believe this is the sickest I have ever been. Unable to get lost in the busyness of life I am faced with listening to my thoughts. What a dangerous place to wonder.

A couple of nights ago, at what I thought was the peak of the storm, I feared falling asleep, maybe not so much falling asleep…but not waking up. My mind raced through the people in my life, repeating to myself what I last texted or said. Would they know how much I loved them? Would they believe how much they mattered to me?

This may be something we all go through now and then, but my mind couldn’t help but remind me of a darker time. The truth is, there was a time that I didn’t want to wake up at all. I was so lost in pain, heartache and confusion that I believed that all would be better to sleep forever. And in that moment, my mind raced through the people in my life, wondering who would need to hear me say goodbye? Would they be better off in my absence?

I felt to be a burden you see, too broken to be fixed. The band-aids were no longer holding and I couldn’t face it alone – but all I felt was alone! Looking back, there were so many people who I interacted with everyday, yet no one knew. I couldn’t let them see the truth; I couldn’t trust them with the dark and ugly demons that I faced. They wouldn’t and couldn’t understand.

So, I made the decision. Apparently, God made a different decision. I believe it was the plan all along. I had to hit the bottom before I could begin to rise. I look back now at the toll it took on so many; some of them decided it was too much and walked away – and that’s okay. That taught me a lesson too.

It’s been three years. Not all days are good ones, but my vision is so much clearer. I see now that I forgot my purpose and lost who I was. I found help and hope. I allowed myself the courage to accept me for me just a little bit each day. The demons don’t go away, but their voices are a little harder to hear. Maybe this sickness is offering the slightest bit of light by slowing me down enough to reflect how far I have come. I have to keep fighting; I have to keep waking up, because there is still so much left for me to do.

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Love always wins…

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https://poetrycurator2017.wordpress.com/2018/01/12/a-psalm-of-life/

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Character

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© Copyright 2018 Kristie Bueno Photography, All Rights Reserved

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”

Romans‬ ‭5:3-5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

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Awakening

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© Copyright 2018 Kristie Bueno Photography, All Rights Reserved

“Awakening is not changing who you are, but discarding who you are not.”

~Deepak Chopra

As the realization settles that something is coming to an end; I begin to reflect.  Did I serve my purpose?  Was it worth it?  Am I grateful?  Am I better or worse?  Even more importantly, did I make a difference?

It is easy to get caught up in what we are made to believe we should be or what we should accomplish, always seeking for an approval that will never be enough.

All things are temporary, it all must come to an end…eventually.  So make it count, leave your mark so that it cannot be forgotten.  Let it be forever altered just as you are for living it.  Be intentional to be yourself!

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Bridge of Reconciliation

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© Copyright 2017 Kristie Bueno Photography, All Rights Reserved

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat……Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established………Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation………Forgiveness does not excuse anything………You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness……”

~ William Paul Young, The Shack

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no regrets

losing my identity
finding it in you
where it never belonged

emotions pushed and pulled
awakening a fire
tempting fate

risking too much
creating a high
too dangerous to last

i wasn’t meant for you
nor you for me
doomed before it even began

grateful
for what it was
ready to let it go

~ kristie bueno

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