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“It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt,
It lies behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes it fills,
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.”
~ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
As I sit here unable to rest, the flu has taken over and I truly believe this is the sickest I have ever been. Unable to get lost in the busyness of life I am faced with listening to my thoughts. What a dangerous place to wonder.
A couple of nights ago, at what I thought was the peak of the storm, I feared falling asleep, maybe not so much falling asleep…but not waking up. My mind raced through the people in my life, repeating to myself what I last texted or said. Would they know how much I loved them? Would they believe how much they mattered to me?
This may be something we all go through now and then, but my mind couldn’t help but remind me of a darker time. The truth is, there was a time that I didn’t want to wake up at all. I was so lost in pain, heartache and confusion that I believed that all would be better to sleep forever. And in that moment, my mind raced through the people in my life, wondering who would need to hear me say goodbye? Would they be better off in my absence?
I felt to be a burden you see, too broken to be fixed. The band-aids were no longer holding and I couldn’t face it alone – but all I felt was alone! Looking back, there were so many people who I interacted with everyday, yet no one knew. I couldn’t let them see the truth; I couldn’t trust them with the dark and ugly demons that I faced. They wouldn’t and couldn’t understand.
So, I made the decision. Apparently, God made a different decision. I believe it was the plan all along. I had to hit the bottom before I could begin to rise. I look back now at the toll it took on so many; some of them decided it was too much and walked away – and that’s okay. That taught me a lesson too.
It’s been three years. Not all days are good ones, but my vision is so much clearer. I see now that I forgot my purpose and lost who I was. I found help and hope. I allowed myself the courage to accept me for me just a little bit each day. The demons don’t go away, but their voices are a little harder to hear. Maybe this sickness is offering the slightest bit of light by slowing me down enough to reflect how far I have come. I have to keep fighting; I have to keep waking up, because there is still so much left for me to do.