Push

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

Push away the ugly
Hide it until you are blinded by its beauty

Push the numbness and pain
Deeper and deeper into your veins

Push the lightness further and further more
Until all you feel is the void of your core

Push your sins for all to see
Let them shine in all their glory

Push the memories until they no longer exist
Ravage the vacancy you refuse to resist

Push all of those who failed you
They couldn’t catch your fall – they never had a clue

Push me – hard, and slam the door
I am already broken – fixable no more

I know the ugly
I bathe in its beauty

I know the numbness and the pain
I flourish as it courses through my veins

I know the darkness
I feel it burning deep in my chest

I live my sins…everyday
Their glory…trophies in their own way

I know the memories I hide from
And the vacancy that makes me numb

I know the disappointments of those I trusted most
I relish in the solace of living with their ghosts

So, push it all away
It’s essence – it’s soul is here to stay

It is a part of who we are
It is our everyday war

A battle that will never be won
A nightmare we will never outrun

So, push me – hard as you might
I will always push back – you are not alone in this fight

~ Kristie Bueno

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Life happens…

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

~ Marilyn Monroe

I wish I could be the kind of person who could just let life happen, roll with the ups and downs, see that the good outweighs the bad…but I am not that person. I question, I doubt, I worry…because life is full of unknowns. The only thing we can be certain of is what lies within our own soul.

Society has made us rely on the acceptance of what others see us as. We lie in waiting…are we good enough, do we fit the right mold, did we say the right words? And how much of what we say and do are actually the true accounts of what we are? Or do we conform ourselves into what we think is acceptable to everyone else?

Life happens…every moment of every day, people come and people go. We are faced with choices that affect how we are viewed by those who love us, who hate us, or simply don’t care about us. So why alter, why change anything at all? Be you…and all that you stand for. Because the very people you put so much effort into accepting you today are the very same people who may not be such an important part of your life tomorrow. Allow yourself to trust, to love, and to break…because that is what distinguishes us from being lost among the vastness of the commonality of life, and that is where greatness comes from.

3/18/2014

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The Truth About Love

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“You say you love rain, but you use an umbrella to walk under it. You say you love sun, but you seek shelter when it is shining. You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your windows. So that’s why I’m scared when you say you love me.”
 

~ Bob Marley

I wonder at what turning point in time that our souls became so entranced by the simplest of terms “I love you”?  What defines the one who says it, or the one who hears it…or more importantly, the one who means it?

My difficulty in comprehending the idea of this term of endearment, is that it is just that…a term. Temporary words, that can be taken away as easily as they are expressed.  So, could it be at the moment we became so perplexed with this terminology, we forgot the most important purpose in loving? Our actions…

Actions are not temporary, nor can they be easily undone.  Actions are purposeful and have the power to express our deepest sentiments with not a single syllable spoken.  But yet, we would prefer the easy way out…to say it, to hear it, and rarely to mean it.  The true devotion would be in what we do every single day, the effort to take the time to show the “love” that is so easily spoken of.

I don’t want temporary.  I desire the untouchable and the unspoken.  I want what breaks the barriers and what hides on the other side of the walls that protect the unknown.  I want what the silence brings, to witness what one would do to bear what lies within them.  I want what cannot be put into words, only shown.  Then, might I truly know what it is to be loved?  But more importantly, would I be able to return such a grand and selfless gift, to be able to truly sacrifice the security of my own heart’s protection?

2/12/2014

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Forward

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno
“I think that the power is the principle. The principle of moving forward, as though you have the confidence to move forward, eventually gives you confidence when you look back and see what you’ve done.”
~ Robert Downey, Jr.
We all have amazing people in our lives…people who leave their impressions, their words, their essentiality upon us…and never even know what an impact they have made on this one single person.  An amazing person once told me “When something comes along in your life…and a decision has to be made…do not wait for the “right time” to come along for things to happen, because the right time will never come. You have to take a step, and then another step…and as you go along…all the wrongs will right themselves along the way.”
As I shared this “advice” today, these words that were impressed upon me so long ago…I realized how much I needed to hear these words again…for myself.  I find myself trying to control the uncontrollable, forgive the unforgivable, to find peace in the very things that have broken me; that waiting for these “wrongs” to become right again is what will free me to move forward.  But it hasn’t happened…nor will it…as long as I continue to stand still.  I failed to listen, and I failed to keep moving forward…but how grateful am I for the one moment that it took one amazing person to fill my heart with these words.  I may not have needed them at the time, but I needed them today.
What irony to say the very words to someone you most need to hear yourself.

1/23/2014

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if only…

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.”

~ Mitch Albom

It’s in these moments, that I remember how broken I am. That I remember that I’m not strong enough to stand on my own two feet. It’s in these moments that remind how me that what made me the strongest is now what makes me weakest.  I pray for strength and I pray for guidance, but yet, I only feel your absence.  In the same heartbeat that tells me you watch over me, reminds me that you’re untouchable. I wish I had your strength and your grace…I wish I still had you.  

11/7/2013

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Silenced No More

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same mind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.”

~ George Eliot

I cannot handle the silence. I am not sure if it’s the silence others are wanting from me that I cannot handle, or if its the silence that I receive that I cannot handle. Both leave me unattended to an eternity of assumptions, doubts, and second guesses. I’d rather hear something a thousand times just to eliminate the chance that I may forget.

Our reality consists only of the things that our senses can rely upon, and how easily our reality escapes us in their absence. This is it, our one chance to make sure we’re heard. And even though my soul is screaming, my voice is silenced. My thoughts, my affections, my cries are never known, for fear of being wrong, of being mistaken.

Our world weaves wicked webs that are not so easily undone. It’s easier to encourage the silence, so that the ugliness may go unnoticed. But in the end, when the chance has passed, we are stuck with everything unspoken. Unable to escape its debilitating and deafening power. So for better or for worse, say it. Everyday if we must, to make sure we are heard. It is up to those around us that must choose to not only listen, but more importantly to choose to still love us after they have.

12/1/2012

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Endings

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“What we call the beginning is often the end.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.”

~ T. S. Eliot

It’s hard when life places you right smack dab in the middle of a crossroads requiring you to make a choice that you’d be perfectly happy never having to make! It’s hard to see the positive in that sometimes, or to think that this choice just might be an end to something great. And what great faith it takes to believe that an end is the first step to a new beginning.

I want to say that I have faith like that, big enough to know my choice is what is meant to be. But I guess time or maybe age, or maybe neither, has a way of deteriorating what confidence you once had in destiny. So I have started to look at the bigger things, the things that don’t require change. The sunrises, the sunsets, the vastness of the ocean, or the overwhelming love I have for my children. These unchangeable wonders have a way of making my choices seem a little bit smaller. It helps me to believe that whatever choice I choose, it will be okay. Because even when it’s all said and done, I will always have the bigger things. The choice that requires my attention today is not big enough to burden tomorrow.

5/30/2012

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Blessed

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.”

~ Alan Cohen

As another year is quickly coming to an end, I find myself looking back at what this year has delivered. I have been reminded that life has a way of flipping completely upside down if that is what it takes to get you to be where you are supposed to be. I have been shown who my true friends are. I am grateful for each one, because I have learned how endearing and exceptional a true friend really is. They are few and far between!

I am finally starting to believe that all things in this crazy life are happening because that is exactly how it is supposed to happen. I don’t have to understand why people come and go in my life whether I am ready for them to or not, it’s remembering that I am surrounded by those who love me.

I have discovered that it is possible to find your true self after you have forgotten what makes you who you are. That losing yourself in something you believe in is forgivable because it proves that you are a passionate and dedicated soul. Shame on those who take advantage of that.

I am most grateful for my husband and two girls. Through everything, they are what gives me the strength to believe. I can let go of 2011, because I know that great things are lying ahead for us in the new year. I won’t continue to dwell on what has happened or what I have lost. I see how blessed my life is, I will focus on that!

12/15/2011

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Cracks

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Let’s honor our mistakes by allowing them to teach us. Let’s consider our failings to be gifts, and share them humbly with others. Let the cracks in our perfect facades let in light and air so that new life can grow through them.”

~ Molly Gordon

I am not sure that there was a morning that I woke up and realized the inevitable, I think I always knew. I always knew that as much as I wanted it, there would be no one to pick up all the pieces of me and magically put them back together. I sometimes wonder if they were ever together to begin with.

What can start as the slightest break, the tiniest of cracks, blossoms into this magnificent twisted mess. I let this happen, I trusted the wrong people, I believed in the wrong things, I opened the door to the very things that broke me. The hardest part is not letting go of the anger I have for them, but for the anger I have at myself.

I did wake up one morning, however, and realize that the only person that can make me right again, is me. As much as others claim to love me, as much as I want someone to sweep me up and make me whole again, no one can fix this but me. I may never be back to one piece, I may never be undamaged, but I can let myself heal. I can try to become someone who I can stand to see in the mirror before me.

The past lays the foundation of the future. I may not have the ability to go back and change the choices that others made that affect me, but I do have the power now to make my own choices, right or wrong. I will be more careful in opening the door, letting in only a selected few. Because I know they cannot fix me, so I must be certain that they cannot break me again.

10/6/2011

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Purpose

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Live for those who love me,
For those who know me true,
For the Heaven that smiles above me,
And awaits my coming too;
For the cause that lacks resistance,
For the future and the distance,
And the good that I can do.”

~ Unknown

I have to believe that there is a reason why things happen the way that they happen, that I am a part of the bigger picture, and that all of my efforts have not been a complete waste of time. I may have been guilty of putting all of my eggs in the same basket, but it was because I believed I could make a difference. And why not put everything you have into something you believe in? At least this was the question I use to ask myself.

Up until now, I have allowed the past to define who I was. So when all my efforts failed me, it broke me into a million jagged pieces. My vision became blurry, I lost my way and I lost who I was.

So I must choose to let the next chapter begin, to remember what it feels like to be whole again. We are surrounded by good people and bad people, we make good decisions and bad decisions. And this balance of good and bad does not define us, but simply shapes us. I will find my purpose, and I will do my best to not only lift up those around me, but to allow them to lift me up as well.

8/29/2011

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