Disconnected

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“As I was sitting in my chair,
I knew the bottom wasn’t there,
Nor legs nor back, but I just sat,
Ignoring little things like that.”

~ Hughes Mearns

I’m not exactly sure when or where the disconnect actually happened, but I am certain that it has. My mind has become my worst enemy, telling me the things that make me weaker. Reality has shifted and I have started to believe it’s lies. I have reverted back to my old ways, the walls have been rebuilt, protecting myself from those on the other side.

I need a revolutionary turn to find myself again, because even though you are searching for me, I am not who you once knew. I wanted things to be different, to be better than what history had taught us. I deserve the answers, I deserve the why’s, I deserve the understanding for what life has served. But these are things I don’t allow myself to believe, because I see those around me who don’t believe them either.

Day-to-day, that’s what we do. The depth has dwindled to surface scars that will never heal. My reality is the chair that really isn’t there, but yet I sit, and live my life for the contentment of the one’s I love. That is what defines me, that is what will carry me through. If only…

7/25/2011

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Walls

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.”

~ Jim Rohn

I’ll be the first to tell you that I am guilty of not giving people the opportunity to get close to my heart.  The road behind me has not been paved in such a way that allows me to think new additions in my life would be a good idea.  It is very hard to be accepted into my circle, and very easy to be taken out of it.  My soul is not that of an easily forgiving one.  I do eventually free myself of that imprisonment that unforgiveness brings, but I never forget.

Now that you understand my foundation, I will admit that it is humbling to witness others make this pessimistic choice in life.  I am not usually one to be such a pessimist, I wouldn’t wish such guarded precautions on anyone.  The reality of keeping sadness out truly keeps everything out, but with that you’re rolling the dice. To be safe, to not be hurt, but also to hide from the opportunities that could just possibly bring you happiness and bliss.

I guess you have to play with the hand you are dealt, find a way to deal with other people’s choices.  To accept the possibility that not everyone will break you, and maybe even find a way to at least see the opportunities before losing them all together.

6/23/2011

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The Dream

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed-
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.

Ah! What is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?

That holy dream – that holy dream,
While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding.

What though that light, thro’ storm and night,
So trembled from afar-
What could there be more purely bright
In Truth’s day-star?

~ Edgar Allan Poe

To read these words and see so clearly, what has been and what is to come.  To dream of choices that only I can make, choices that change my path.  My spirit has been buried, of happiness it does not know.  Scolding myself is not the answer, but allowing the light in is.

I will no longer sit on the sidelines and let this life pass me by.  It’s time to live, time to explore, time to dare myself in just what could be.  There will be those who will chastise me, and those who will love me still.  My dreams are what is me, so why not live them in this one life I’ve been gifted.

11/18/2010

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Moments

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Life is all memory except for the one present moment that goes by so quick you can hardly catch it going.”

~ Tennessee Williams

There are those moments that you wish would last just a little longer.  A phone call that you don’t ever want to end, the conversation that goes everywhere you want it to, moments that cause you to wait for the next.

People come and go in our lives so quickly, we hang on to the moments that we have with them.  Because before we know it those moments turn into memories, memories of moments that may never happen again.

Cherish these moments, cherish the people that share the moments with you.  Live life for these moments, and look forward to the ones to come.

11/13/2010

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Healing

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Knit your hearts with an unslipping knot.”

~ Antony & Cleopatra by William Shakespeare

What a wonderful night had by all!  It was Tuesday Knitting Night at our local yarn store!  All the ladies of the family attended and what a truly healing evening!  It’s amazing how a little time doing something enjoyable and productive can make you feel so many emotions.

I feel loved and inspired, which is what my heart has been needing.  And seeing my daughter learning to knit warms me inside-out!  I am going to bed tonight feeling a little less weight on my shoulders, and my heart beating a little faster!  My view on the world is a bit brighter because of tonight!

I am truly blessed.  I must believe that my blessings out-count my tribulations.  The tribulations are what has gotten me to my lowest point, but my blessings are what is going to pull me back up!  For that I am grateful.

10/20/2010

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Troubles

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind,
some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I’ve brought a big bat, I’m all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me.”

~ Dr. Seuss

It’s a hard feeling to accept that you must fight your troubles on your own.  Now this may not be 100% true, but it may certainly be how you feel.  That your closest allies should be your biggest supporters, fighting the front lines right along with you, but they’re not.

Maybe it’s because your troubles are too troublesome for them.  It may just be too hard on them to handle or understand what you are going through.  Or maybe they have troubles of their own, and they simply don’t have time for yours.  Regardless, it’s a hard lonely fight to fight.

It takes some tears and more than a few sleepless nights to find yourself ready to fight by yourself, but sometimes that’s just how it is.  So I’ll get my bat ready, and I may fall quite a few times.  All I can do is keep trying my best and hope that I am not standing there by myself.

10/18/2010

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My Ship

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“I’m not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship.”

~Louisa May Alcott

Storms come and go in our lives, and it’s not like we can have any control over these storms.  We can’t have them come at a more convenient time over another.  They just happen.  When my storms come, they are able to knock me off my feet.  But like this quote says, I am learning to sail my ship through these storms.

And if anything can give me hope, it’s that.  Storms don’t have to knock us off our feet or even off the track of our journey.  We just have to learn to steer around and through, our ships are strong enough to handle anything these storms can throw our way.  We just have to believe in ourselves enough to allow our ships to sail.

I will be the first to admit that I allowed myself not to believe, and I am still learning how to sail my ship.  I may always be learning, but I do know that I am still afloat, I am still on my way.

10/14/2010

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Sunshine

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.  I may not reach them, but I can look up at their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.”

~ Louisa May Alcott

It can make things easier sometimes to believe that where we want to be can be symbolized as something as beautiful and elegant as sunshine.  Some days it shines upon us and makes us feel full and beautiful, and other days it’s hidden under gloom and clouds.  But in our hearts and our minds it’s always there.

It can be something we always look up to and continue to strive for and follow.  We must not let go of our dreams, as big or small as they might be.

Some days this simple metaphor is what gets me through the day.  Knowing the darkness has settled over but given time the sun will shine through and I will have hope again.

10/9/2010

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Shattered

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

What have I done?
The pieces are falling apart.
I find myself wanting to run,
leaving behind pieces of my heart.

Not sure what to do.
I want to let go.
These feelings are nothing new,
just feelings you don’t want to show.

My heart is slowing,
growing so tired,
waiting for the unknowing,
waiting for the desired.

Masked by a facade,
of smiles and kind words.
My soul is beginning to fade,
sorrow cutting through like swords.

Nothing can fix the pain.
Nothing can fix this broken.
There is no more staying sane,
there is no more full-hearted.

I am empty and cold,
too far gone to be saved.
No one left to hold,
no one left to have.

Shattered is my soul,
too damaged to repair.
Never again will I be whole,
just too much for me to bear.

~ Kristie Bueno

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Answers

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Someone told me today…God has three answers He can give you…no, go slow, and you first have to grow…I know these things just need to be reminded sometimes.”

My friend posted this on her Facebook today and I am grateful she did. We sometimes don’t realize how our words can reach someone else. She posted this because it helped her and it touched so many others, myself included.

I have recently come to the realization that I first need to grow in my relationship with God before I will ever be able to hear the answers to many of the thousands of questions that I have.

Why am I struggling in so many areas of my life, maybe it all begins with my struggling relationship with God.

So one of my goals is to change that. I need strength, focus, and energy. I have some work to do but I am ready for the challenge.

10/6/2010

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