My Storm

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“And now my life ebbs; days of suffering grip me. 
Night pierces my bones; my gnawing pain never rest.
In His great power God becomes like clothing to me;
He binds me like the neck of my garment.
He throws me into the mud, and I am reduced to dust and ashes.

I cry out to You, God, but you do not answer;
I stand up, but you do merely look at me.
You turn on me ruthlessly; with the might of your hand you attack me.
You snatch me up and drive me before the wind;
You toss me about in the storm.
I know you will bring me down to death
to the place appointed for all the living.

Surely no one lays a hand on those who are crushed
when they cry for help in their distress.
Have I not wept for those in trouble?
Has not my soul grieved for the poor?
Yet when I hoped for good, evil came;
when I looked for light, then came the darkness.

The churning inside me never stops;
days of suffering confront me.
I go about blackened, but not by the sun;
I stand up in the assembly and cry for help;
I have become a brother of jackals,
a companion of owls.
My skin grows black and peels;
my body burns with fever.
My lyre is tuned to mourning,
and my pipe to the sounds of wailing.”

~ Job 30:16-31

As I lay in bed tonight, flipping mindlessly through the outlets that I’ve tirelessly attempted to just make things better.  And the only thing that came to me was my bible.  When was the last time I got that dusty old thing out?!  Well this is what it brought to me, the beginning and ending to today’s blog.

I realize how long people have suffered and that they weren’t alone then nor am I alone now.  I suffer because I should not feel alone by the people God placed in my life, but sometimes that always doesn’t work out.  I focus on the ones that I feel are in my life out of obligation instead of focusing on the ones that would do anything for me and  love me endlessly.  I cry out to God wondering why my prayers aren’t answered, and I have to accept that maybe they are not supposed to be answered for a reason I may never understand.

I have to get through this just has an uncountable number of people have before and will after me.  So I shall pray for strength to endure the journey and stop asking why or how long the storm will last; pray that His purpose is not lost in me.

“How long Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemies will say “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for He has been good to me.”

~Psalm 13

10/15/2010

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Depression

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“A lot of people don’t realize that depression is an illness. I don’t wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it.”

~ Jonathan Davis

It was a bad day today…my doctor appointment was crap.  It was brought to my attention, which I really didn’t need to be told, that my depression was back with a vengeance.  I guess the first sign should have been that I was writing again.  It seems to be what gets me through my days.  Like the perfect poem or the perfect sentence will make it better!

I grew up in a family that doesn’t understand it, I married a man who doesn’t understand it, hell I really don’t understand it myself.  I only wish I knew how to fix it.  The saddest part is I want happiness, and I want to be loved, I want to accept and allow the people who do love me to do just that.  But when the darkness creeps in, everything comes with doubt, and in fact you don’t feel loved at all.

The illness with no face value, because it can be hidden.  Some people would never know unless they read this, it’s not really something you advertise.  You might be looked at differently if people know.  But I would want to know if one of my friends or family members suffered from this, just so I could tell them that I love them and it’s okay.  Because today I don’t feel like it is.

9/30/2010

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Heartstrings

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“The feelings with which we face this new age of right and opportunity sweep across our heartstrings like some air out of God’s own presence, where justice and mercy are reconciled, and the judge and the brother are one.”

~ Thomas Woodrow Wilson

I discovered today how fragile our heartstrings really are.  We hand them out to people and become powerless to their future.  Some use them to strengthen you, to love you, to reassure you to be the person you are to be.  While others can use them to torture you, abandon you, or beat you down into the dark shadows that cause you to doubt your existence.  And then of course there are those that choose to just cut them off all together…no justification, no reasoning to lessen the blow.

It causes you to wonder why you were so naive to hand these precious silken woven webs of heartstrings out so darn easily, but it reminds you just the same as with age, we are less likely to hand as many out, if any at all.  Pulled, torn, battered but they remain; and I must allow them to be replenished by those who offer their heartstrings to me.

I am grateful to those who offer me such a precious gift, one I will not take for granted.

9/27/2010

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With or Without You

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

it’s time for change
with or without you
looking for something new
i’m not sure what to do

i thought you’d be there for me
through thick or thin
there for support
with every loss or win

but as time passed by
we grew farther apart
and knowing your faded love
remains heavy on my heart

the memories play like movies
running continuously in my head
and never forgetting
everything you’ve ever said

so with or without you
i am going to be alright
no more wondering
no more sleepless nights

~ Kristie Bueno

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The Changing Truth

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

‎”God offers to every mind its choice between truth and repose. Take which you please; you can never have both.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve realized lately, that people struggle with the truth.  They think that they want the truth, but once they get it they can’t handle it, so it’s easier to not believe it.  But what they don’t understand is that once the truth is spoken, the speaker is stuck with it, there is no option to change it.
And not that the speaker would necessarily want to change it, but because they choose to live with it and others are allowed to ignore it is sometimes too painful to bear.  Life continues to cycle and the people who have heard this truth continue to live their lives as if it were never spoken.
So I guess my question is when was there an option to accept the truth or not.  I guess maybe a lack of belief in the speaker, a greater love for something or someone else, or just a cheat mechanism to not have to feel the same pain.  Whatever it is, I will continue to choose the truth.  I live with the truth everyday, and I would only hope that those who say they love me would do the same.

9/24/2010

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The Sun Will Rise

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

the sun will rise
down will come the rain
tears no longer fill my eyes
and night will fall once again

I was quiet
when I should have been screaming
you were blind
when you should have been seeing

your words no longer reach me
your love a distant memory

but the sun will rise
down will come the rain
tears no longer fill my eyes
and night will fall once again

the life you live
is not reality
your lies
will never allow you to see

I finally speak
in hopes of freedom
but your anger and denial
makes you believe you’ve won

But the sun will rise
down will come the rain
tears no longer fill my eyes
and night will fall once again

I’ve beat you at
your petty games
and feel for you
the life you live in shame

my days continue on
without you
knowing you live on
without a clue

because the sun will rise
down will come the rain
tears no longer fill my eyes
and night will fall once again

~ Kristie Bueno

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Perfection

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“When things are perfect, that’s when you need to worry most.”

~ Drew Barrymore

It’s been a couple of rough days.  I seriously considered leaving my job, my job that I’ve known for about half of my life!  All because of this preconception of perfection that my brain must accomplish.  The very next day I was in a car accident that I am pretty sure totaled my car!

But one thing at a time!  Perfection!  I had to be reminded that this cruel concept of perfection is what throws me into panic mode.  It makes me overwhelmed which tailspins me into feeling like a complete failure.  I had to be reminded that in order to reverse this nasty line of events is to write…write…and write some more.  Write what is in my heart, write what is worrying me, just write.  List the things that are overwhelming me, the things that I feel I am failing at.  And one by one I can start crossing them off as I complete them in order of importance.

Then most importantly, I think, I had to be reminded that the list never ends.  I just keep adding and crossing off.  But perfection is something that will never be reached, not by me or anyone.  And it’s okay.  There is no reason to panic, just take one step at a time.  And believe me there is nothing like a serious car accident to slap you right back into reality to make you realize what is most important.  The things that made me panic before will always be on the list, they just won’t be at the top.

7/25/2010

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Tranciency

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“The days come and go like muffled and veiled figures sent from a distant friendly party, but they say nothing, and if we do not use the gifts they bring, they carry them as silently away.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have become accustomed to change, something that did not come easy. I have to accept that people change what they want to change no matter how it affects those around them. And I have learned that there are things that I had to change and in some ways had to disregard how it affected those around me.

In the same sense, the people in our lives change. They come and go, and there is no explanation or fine print that can explain it to your heart or brain. It just happens. But more importantly, I think we must take from those relationships what we can so that we do not forget them or their purpose.

It is difficult for me to accept that some of the relationships in my life have changed, become more distant, and that new relationships have begun. In no way do I think that people replace people. I just wish somewhere along the way, it was explained that one day it may end before you are ready for it to be.

But the biggest lesson I learned, is opening your heart to the new people, the new relationships. Learning early on to recognize their gifts that they have to offer you, appreciate the time you have with them, cherish all they are willing to share. I may never be prepared for what might come to an end but at least I know that it was the best it could be while it lasted.

7/18/2010

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Embrace the Chaos

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Chaos is a friend of mine.”

~ Bob Dylan

I have decided that my life is chaotic, and if it hasn’t changed up to this point, I doubt it will ever change.  So, why be miserable in trying to change and just embrace it instead!  My schedule will never stay the same, my mess is an organized mess, and I will always be late!  Chaotic should be my middle name.

The constant chaotic drives my husband insane, and probably a few more people who decide not to tell me so.  But all I can say is you have to accept people for what they are and how they are without any change required.  Embrace the chaos…for it has embraced me!

6/25/2010

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Dear God

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

Fill me with Your light once more,
let me shine again.

You’re the only one, my last chance
who else can save me but You?

Break down the walls, so You can reach my heart,
open my soul to Your love.

Heal the wounds that have scarred me inside and out.
Help me forgive those who have trespassed against me.

Teach me to love again,
to not close out those who love me more than I love myself.

Life has never grounded my feet,
but the ground is nearing closer and closer still.

Grant me Your light and Your love once more.
Be gracious to me, I want to fly again.

~ Kristie Bueno

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