Silence

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Silence is the true friend that never betrays.”

~ Confucius

Our lives are so busy, filled with lists and lists of things that will never be completely done. Phone calls that are incoming that we cannot make time for the outgoing, work hours filled with work, home hours filled with family. Children needing dinners, baths, homework, playtime, and answers to a billion questions. Gadgets, televisions, radios, and more phone calls, all masterful electronics to keep our motors running! There are people you would like to silence forever, as I am sure there are people who would love to silence me!

There are times that I lie down at night and my mind cannot find the silence. Sleep does not come easily because you can only think of the things you should have gotten done, and now must add-on to tomorrow’s list.

For those of you who wonder, the days are getting better. Even though there is no silence, I can find humor in the chaos again. Maybe with time, and a little less stress, I can find moments of silence. Small steps to having just a little more peace, we can always work on the quiet later!

from 2010

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A New Normal

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“The possibility of stepping into a higher plane is quite real for everyone. It requires no force or effort or sacrifice. It involves little more than changing our ideas about what is normal.”

~ Deepak Chopra

What is normal? And who decides what normal is? I find myself in the process of finding a new normal, trying to distinguish if what was my normal was really out of habit.

Devastated when you are forced to make changes in those habits, but maybe a new normal is good. It opens your eyes to new things, new ideas, and allows you to see the old things in new ways.

A new normal doesn’t have to mean a new journey. It’s about keeping your eyes and heart open to all of the possibilities. There’s always a chance that the new normal might change, and even a chance that the old normal is just waiting for you to find it again, maybe just in a new way.

from 2010

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Fairy Tale

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Fairy tales were not my escape from reality as a child; rather, they were my reality — for mine was a world in which good and evil were not abstract concepts, and like fairy-tale heroines, no magic would save me unless I had the wit and heart and courage to use it widely.”

~ Terri Windling

Isn’t it crazy how we are programmed, internally wired mind you, to be certain ways? And because no one is the same, we try to change people into what we think they should be instead of finding value in their uniqueness.

I know that in my qwirkyness…my wiring changes with my environment. When I am at work, it is my instinct to take charge. I must be in control of the ins and outs. However, when I get home, it is the exact opposite. I turn into this damsel in distress, and want nothing more that the prince to sweep me off my feet, making sure that everything is taken care of along the way.

I think maybe it’s how as little girls we grow up with fairy tales and make-believe! And sadly, sometimes, we grow up into situations where we have to take care of everything. The prince has trained us to not rely on him…the chivalry is gone.

It then becomes our decision to keep saving the prince…or leave him behind. Not always in hopes that there are still fairy tales out there…but hope in finding peace in not only not having to answering to someone, but not having to answer for someone.

We have to think about what we want for our little girls when they grow up, and then remember that we are someone’s little girl too. Happily ever after might be a stretch…but let’s shoot for happy right now!

from 2010

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Damaged Goods

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.”

~ Anais Nin

I am that person standing in a crowded place, disrupting people who are fortunate enough to know where they are going. I do not. I wait for answers that do not come, and I will continue to wait…

I don’t know when I will move again from this place that’s captured me, and I am not sure who will be waiting for me after this storm has cleared. Damaged goods are hard to fix, depending on what is left to salvage.

from 2010

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Craziness

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“You can’t start worrying about what’s going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what’s happening now.”

~ Lauren Bacall

It’s that time of year when everything has been kicked up a notch. Talk about living up to the Joneses. Whether it’s shopping, decorating, cooking, your appearance, your family, your work….the feeling of having to be better than the rest consumes the true spirit of the holiday season.

I realized today that it’s two weeks until Christmas, and I have never been more unprepared. So, the normal thing for me to do is completely panic and lose all control of all reality. But, for once I did not do this! This madness of “getting ready” is for what? This is a time to be grateful for the true blessings that surround and make up your being. Gifts and food will mean nothing if the people receiving them don’t know how much I love and appreciate them.

So I am not going to stress about not having enough money to buy all the gifts that I want to buy, or running out of time to do all the tedious things that really don’t have to be done. You have to stop and see what’s going on around you or there won’t be anything for you to remember once it’s all over.

from 2010

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Good and Evil

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“The line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”

~ Alexander Solzhenitsyn

I obviously have no business speaking on anyone else’s behalf, but blogs are to share your own views and insights no matter how wrong or right they might be. I have been reminded quite often of the very real struggle between good and evil. The struggle that surrounds itself like a fog around all the choices that we must decide on our journey. We get to choose which side will lead our paths. It decides our directions, our words, our inspirations, our everything.

The part that is so easily forgotten is that our choices, our heart, speaks for itself. The good or the evil will shine through to the people who come in and out of your life. Those choices can impact their choices without you even being aware of it. So why not choose good? Choose to give the benefit of the doubt, choose to be kind, and choose to be better than what the circumstances allow.

There is some truth in the saying that the more good you put out into the world, the more good that will come your way. Well, at least I choose to believe that. I may not be able to force goodness out of the people around me, but I do have the ability to choose whether they affect me or not. Maybe this is where my struggle is the hardest, because most of the time it does affect me. Like a choke hold blinding me from everything else, my heart gets crushed, and the day is ruined. So, I will do my best to not do this to others.

I will choose good, even though I know how close evil is lingering in the shadows. How tempting some days it would be to allow that dark side to set people straight, but that’s not my place. They are fighting their own battles in those shadows, they don’t need any help from me.

from 2010

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Time

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

It only hurts when I breathe.
My heart trying to find
a way to numb this pain,
a facade to ease my mind.

I stare at the clock
that no longer moves.
Not forward, not backward.
Not sure what it’s trying to prove.

I think it’s there watching me too,
wondering what broke me.
Lifeless, we both are stalled,
remembering what use to be.

Tick tock, tick tock.
I remember that sound.
Peaceful and steady,
but now nowhere to be found.

Lost amidst the heartache
of once upon a time.
All my stars have fallen,
no longer able to shine.

Maybe they fell long ago,
not knowing it was their turn.
Their memories trailing far behind,
remembering the brilliance of their burn.

I thought that love was eternal,
able to survive it all.
Never expecting the shock,
of this never-ending fall.

If only time could start again.
Maybe then I could believe,
eventually my fall will land
and it won’t always hurt to breathe.

~ Kristie Bueno

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My Beloved

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

I feel as if it were yesterday,
our hearts, beating as one.
The sun is setting on the day.
Oh, where has my beloved gone?

I must not rest my eyes.
This nightmare has not won,
I will not believe it’s lies.
Oh, where has my beloved gone?

The darkness crawling into the night.
The shadows an evil of their own,
resisting any hope of light.
Oh, where has my beloved gone?

Vows promised to never be broken,
words not able to be undone.
My comfort and soul have been taken.
Oh, where has my beloved gone?

These walls are closing in.
My dreams no longer letting me run,
to search again and again.
Oh, where has my beloved gone?

He will find his way back to me.
He would not leave me all alone.
If only my heart would let me see.
Oh, where has my beloved gone?

This night is coming to an end,
the heartache awakened by the dawn.
Wounds reopened, refusing to mend.
Oh, where has my beloved gone?

Time proceeds to pass me by.
I still find myself alone,
consumed by despair to continue to try.
Oh, where has my beloved gone?

Does he feel my heart still beating,
the rhythm waiting for his return?
Abandoned, wanting, and needing.
Oh, where has my beloved gone?

Maybe he still looks for me.
Wondering where I’ve been,
not knowing that I set him free.
Asking, oh where has my beloved gone?

~ Kristie Bueno

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Identity

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I have to say that many things in the last few days have completely blind-sided me.  I have learned that I have to accept people for exactly who they are, whether I think better of them or not.  People are people, doing only what they know how to do.  And sometimes, most of the time, this means hurting those around them without even knowing it.

I include myself in this revelation.  I know that some of the things I have done and said have hurt the people around me, and I don’t really know how to make amends of that.  It is very scary to think how dark it gets once you’ve reached the lowest point in life from what you have ever felt before.  And truly, the people still standing, once the dust has settled, is awakening.

The other amazing thing about the people who are still there with you, is you don’t have to justify yourself. They already “get” you and accept you for all that you are.  I feel obligated to apologize for myself, but I realize that those I feel the need to explain things to, are the people who aren’t really standing beside me after all.

So instead of explaining, I will just make a statement.  I will be okay without you.  There are people who love me for exactly who I am, and they are my strength.  They are the ones that see things in me, that I can no longer see.  There is the hope of new beginnings, and finding the pieces that have always seemed to be missing.  And even though you have chosen to leave me behind, I have chosen to not leave me behind.  I will find myself again, and in time, I will once again be me.

from 2010

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Walls

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken – and I’d rather remember it as it was at it’s best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.”

~ Margaret Mitchell

Survival is an amazing instinct.  Emotionally or physically, it kicks in without you ever seeing it coming.  It takes over so that when you have reached a moment when you are unable…it enables for you.  But it does not do this without making its mark.  In its shadow of saving you, it has built a barrier.  A wall so unbreakable, that you become untouchable.

You would think that this process would be a very slow and tedious one, but in all reality, it takes no time at all.  I have felt this happen in a matter of days.  Or have I?  Maybe this is something that began long ago and I am just now feeling its effect.  I have always wondered how I continue to find myself isolated from people who should be “unisolatable”.  And yes, I think I just made that word up, but there is no other description.  It is exactly that.  Relationships gifted to you throughout life, no longer as they were intended to be.

Now protected, living behind walls that I no longer wish to see the other side of.  The comfort of the inside, is so much stronger than the hope of what could be by letting someone in from the outside.  I know that I did not start out alone inside my walls.  There was a time it was filled with souls that connected with mine, yet somehow, it is now only me.  It does not matter who is to blame, there is no point really.  I only know that I did not get to this point by myself, so I do not feel obligated to reverse this on my own.

Survival has a way of clouding your vision.  Making you believe that if someone loves you enough, they will climb these walls of unreachable heights just to jump in and save you.  I am not ready.  I don’t think these walls are impossible to climb from the inside.  So I shall wait.  I am not sure what I am waiting for.  But at least I have the comfort of knowing that if there is no one here inside with me, I will never feel the pain of them leaving me yet again.

from 2010

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