Heart

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“I don’t go by the rule book.  I lead from the heart, not the head.”

~ Princess Diana

I think this is what gets me in the most trouble, leading and always listening to my heart.  I am not saying that I wish it would be any different, because I think our paths are made the way that we are meant to follow.  But our hearts are not always the logical way to go.  That’s how we get them broken so easily and so often.

It’s just like when people say it’s not personal or don’t take it so personal…why not?  When you get me, you get the whole me, and that means I take things straight to the heart that sits right there on my sleeve. It goes back to the authenticity of it all, if it’s worth doing or saying, why not do it with heart?  Why not be genuine?  For some it may be easy to not be this way, but not for me.  I become attached to those around me, I care for those who may not care back, and I risk it all because my heart is what will always lead my way.

6/16/2010

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Vision

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Our visions begin with our desires.”

~Audre Lorde

It is such a wonderful feeling to have clear vision again.  Not physical clear vision, as in not needing glasses, but clear vision that the future still holds hope.  A clear vision that this journey is still moving forward and the end is not in sight.

I am able to communicate again, speak up for myself!  That is also a wonderful feeling!  Making my own decisions, putting my family first, and making sure that I am happy with the decisions that I make instead of putting everyone else’s feelings before my own.

I even feel confident enough to know that I will make it over the bumps in the road.  I know they are coming, but I am strong enough now to not allow them to crush me.  Clear vision, how grateful I am!

6/3/2010

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Found

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“What is the voice of strange command
Calling you still, as friend calls friend,
With love that cannot brook delay,
To rise and follow the ways that wend
Over the hills and far away.”

~ William Ernest Henley

You could say that I was lost for awhile, and now I may be getting closer to being not lost, but I don’t think found is quite the word to use either. I think that an entity of spirit watches over us, sends us encouragement when we need it, puts us back on our track when we get going in the wrong direction.  It’s with His love that this happens, and if we miss it or choose to not hear it, it will fade away over the hills and far away.

Amazingly enough though, you get a second chance, multiple chances really to hear His words of wisdom.  He will keep calling you, and His love will never be delayed.

5/25/2010

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My Skin

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

My skin is but a map
of where I have been
and where I am headed.

My skin is but a blueprint
of what was meant to be
and the reality of what is.

My skin is but a shell
for this body that
protects my soul.

My skin is but a visual
representing nothing
that’s inside.

My skin is but a scroll
that’s filled with
judgements of others.

My skin is but a shield
as my core remains
undamaged.

My skin may be battered and bruised,
the map starting to blur,
the blueprint starting to fade,
the shell starting to crack,
the scroll full, and
the shield scratched.

But my soul is still me.
It’s untouched by
anything external.

It’s intact and whole
protected by my skin.

~ Kristie Bueno

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Worry

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“We all have a tendency to obscure the forest of simple joys with the trees of problems.”

~ Christiane Collange

I get so frustrated with myself on days like today.  Full of worry, and nowhere to put it all.  No one to just lay the answers right out there for me to figure it all out.  Some days I almost feel as if I am moving backwards, maybe because I did make a wrong decision.  Feeling sad because I hold myself hostage because of other decisions.  What is right, what is wrong, or is there really an answer at all?!

Not only do people tell me, but I also see for myself the wonderful things that surround me.  These things are probably what people concentrate on mostly through life, the things that make you grateful for life.  But somehow, the roots from these trees of problems start to trip me on my way and once I stumble it takes a lot for me to get back up and going.

I worry, too much probably.  I worry about what others think of me, and about what others “think” I should do.  For once, I just want to be able to believe in myself enough to make my own decisions and run with it without tripping, without looking back with doubt.  Feeling the freedom under my feet and never stopping.  I don’t want the worry or the sadness anymore, I wish those around me understood me a little bit more.  I don’t mean for the dark days to affect them the way that it does.  I can apologize, but it doesn’t change anything.

I must start the change within me, and the answers will probably not be laid out for me.  So days like today are trial and error days, the days that I trip on the roots of the trees.  Just help me get back up, that will give me the strength to take another step forward.  I must believe that those who truly love me will still be waiting for me once I make it out of  the forest.

5/10/2010

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Karma

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“When you give what you need the most, you heal whatever is broken.”

~ Eve Ensler

I am actually starting to let go. The things I am feeling are more positive and hopeful. It’s true that when you realize what you are missing in life and what you need to receive from others, are the things that you put out into life. That’s why we get so frustrated with others because they don’t see that we are giving what we want to receive.

Now if we could just be a little more patient with ourselves, we would start to realize that what we give out into the world does in return come back to us. So in time those behaviors that we needed for so long, we are finally receiving! And that is when what’s broken begins to heal; your heart is getting nourished. You start to realize that you are loved as much as you love others. You find that when you smile at others you are changing them, because they smile back at you. That’s how it works.

Now I will also say there is a counterpart to all of this. Because there are those that put negative out into the world, and I believe that they receive back what they give as well. I don’t know if that is what you would call karma, but whatever it is, it works.

I am feeling from others what I have needed to get for a long time, and it might be as simple as my heart deciding to give out those feelings to start with. It has to start from the beginning. So don’t wait for others to change, that will never happen. It must start from inside each of us; it will work itself out and infect others to do the same!

5/4/2010

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Spirit

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll; I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.”

~ William Ernest Henley

I could not have heard this quote at a better time. Someone must be watching over me to know when I needed a little reminder of my own strength. I often forget, let it slip away, and let myself slip into the shadows of weakness. I let the externals of life take the reins for a while and they steer me completely in the wrong direction.

This is my life; I get to make the decisions. How can I forget that so easily? How do I allow people to have more influence over me than me?! It’s ridiculous really! It’s up to me to even continue to keep these people in my life. I have to make decisions that are going to be healthy and right for me.

We cannot change the past, so there is no reason to keep visiting there. We must focus on today, don’t even overwhelm ourselves just yet with tomorrow. What will make us better today? We must take control, and eliminate that of which is unhealthy for us. Close the door, lock it and throw away the key. This quote should be printed on our name badges of life, so that everyone will know not to mess with us. I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul, my spirit will endure all that comes against me.

4/30/2010

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Uncompromised

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt, 1937

I will be honest and admit that things have been challenging, and I will also admit that there are certain entities in which I hold responsible besides myself.  I sometimes become overwhelmed with the feelings of guilt and responsibility of where this life of mine has come.  But I know that I did not get here by myself.  There are others to blame, and in the same sentence, others to thank.  There are many good things as well as bad things that get us to where we are.

You start to question if some of the things that the responsible parties have done were done on purpose, out of spite, or just by accident.  Because it can make a difference.  I know that with some of the evils I am fighting are strong enough to break me in half.  But I refuse to allow that to happen.  I will not give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me broken.  So in spite of what they have done to me, I will survive.

I will be uncompromised.  You may have had the ability to crack my shell, but my insides, my morals, who I am will and shall always stay intact.  You don’t have the ability to take that away from me.  I did not give you permission to step on my soul, you did that on your own.  You just weren’t prepared for me to be stronger than you.  You think fixing things on the outside will make your world better, I hate to be the one to tell you that it doesn’t work that way.

You must start from the center, your heart.  Only then will things begin to change, even on the outside things will change.  But as long as your heart remains the same, nothing in, out or around you will ever be different.  I was fortunate, I didn’t  break all the way, the healing is well on its way.  Again, I will remain uncompromised by you and your choices.  My heart is strong and fierce, and it fights for me even when I am unable.

4/27/2010

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Choices

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“Success is relative:
It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.”

~ T. S. Eliot

It is so easy to say the odds are against us, when really we are against ourselves.  Our lives were not created to be failures, we just accept that we can do nothing different.  We are the factor that chooses to win or lose.  We fight our own battle because we can’t believe that we are good enough.

We must be brave enough to take a chance on ourselves.  Yes, everyday might be a struggle.  But everyday you can choose to beat the circumstances.  One day at a time we can choose to take a step forward.  Take chances that you wouldn’t normally take, risk the opportunity for rejection before you reject yourself.

Have faith in people before you decide to not give them the chance to love you.  You might be surprised who takes your side.

The odds are for us.  And yes we may have made a mess of things up to this point.  But we can learn so much from that mess and become who we are supposed to be because of it.

My battle was a long time coming.  I locked it up in hopes that it would just go away.  But I learned many years later that is not an option.  So this mess I created is creating a new me.  And I  am empowered to help create that new person.  I have the choice to control the thoughts that decide my destiny.  I can decide what people in my life can influence me.

Take control…I am no longer the victom…I am now the survivor!  One step at a time…I will continue to choose myself over the mess.  Because I refuse to allow other people’s choices to define who I am.

4/14/2010

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Acceptance

Posted on May 25, 2017 by Kristie Bueno

“The unknown is what it is.  And to be frightened of it is what sends everybody scurrying around chasing dreams, illusions, wars, peace, love, hate, all that.  Unknown is what it is.  Accept that it’s unknown, and it’s plain sailing.”

~ John Lennon

I really wish it were that easy.  There must be something detached in my brain that will not allow me to just accept it.  And I don’t care what name the doctor’s give it, whether it’s the OCD, the anxiety, the depression….it doesn’t matter….it drives me crazy!  Not knowing!  For some reason my brain HAS to know.  It (my brain) wants to know the why’s, the where’s, the who’s…all of it.  And there will be no rest until that happens!

I hate that not knowing what other’s think drives me insane.  I hate that I automatically think that I am not good enough just because no one has shared their thoughts with me.  I hate that I instantly feel guilty for situations I have no control of.  Now I am known for the saying…it is what it is….but the unknown is incomprehensible to me.  Because knowing is what makes me…me.

Knowing allows me to understand, to be more in control of this tiny place of the world that I belong in.  Knowing allows me to accept the goodness from others.  Knowing gives me peace.  It gives me a tiny sliver of sanity.

I am the scurrier.  I am the chaser of the dreams, illusions, wars, peace, love and hate.  I am all that….all because of the unknown.  That is what it is.  That is my acceptance, to know that I will never be any different.  And maybe my refusal to accept the unknown is why there will never be plain sailing for me.  It is a battle I will never win, but I refuse to quit the fight!

4/12/2010

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